I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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