That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
