Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Randomize
