Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
