I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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