those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
