Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
