My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
