JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I will be naked everywhere
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
