im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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