Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
