that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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