I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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