Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
