I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think my fart just growled at me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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