I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
