I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize