I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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