I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
