Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
