She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize