Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
