Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
