Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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