I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
