I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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