I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
