I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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