Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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