I wish I could punch you in the face.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Farmville is her only friend.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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