my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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