I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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