Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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