Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
