I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
