she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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