True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Text me some of your sweat
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
