Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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