Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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