i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
