My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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