the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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