Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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