I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
