Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
