you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
