Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
They took my balls.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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