Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
