i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
