doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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