Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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