Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
