My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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