Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
