I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
