Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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