She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
