My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Randomize
