I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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