she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
