im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize