i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize