Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
