I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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