Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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