I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
