Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
