i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
