it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
